Saved by the Lacrima
by leoslady4ever
Summary: It had been a long time coming for Erza and Jellal, and finally, tonight was the night. Finally, they would be together. Finally, all their hopes and dreams would come true. But sadly, reality doesn't always live up to the expectations built up over years of pining, and Jellal is certain no one has ever learned this more clearly than him.


_Congratulations! You are now the happy (possibly) reader of this incredibly funny (maybe) fanfic that my crazy (definitely) ass mind has concocted. I warn you ahead of time - this is strange and bizarre and completely absurd in the most unbelievable way possible._

 _Enjoy!_

 _Oh, and don't forget that **Hiro Mashima** owns Fairy Tail, as evidenced by this absolutely inane thing I just subjected you to. _

_I wish you good luck!_

* * *

 **Saved by the Lacrima**

It was late when Jellal finally made it to the room Erza reserved for them tonight. He only had this one day with her before he had to go back, and he intended to make the most of it. The way she talked during their last call, she had the same idea. He knocked on the door, and it wasn't a handful of seconds before Erza opened the door. His mouth watered as he took in her scarcely clothed form. He was stunned to find her in just a robe, and he couldn't help wondering just what she had on underneath. Were there a pair of sexy panties beneath that robe or had she foregone undergarments altogether.

He found himself suddenly desperate to find out. Erza too seemed to have the same idea. She looked at him with barely concealed hunger, and before he could remind himself to draw in another breath of air, she reached for him.

Her mouth slanted over his in a rush, her tongue pushing between his lips as though she'd thought of nothing else in the long weeks they'd been apart. He barely remembered to shut the door as she pushed him back against the wall and pressed herself against him. She instantly reached for his shirt, drawing it up and over his head before he could even react. He watched her toss it to the floor and groaned as her body folded into his again, her soft breasts crushing between them.

He could feel her nipples against his chest, the peaks already knotted into tiny little pearls, and his cock stiffened instantly, straining against his suddenly too-tight pants. All he could think about was tossing her body into the bed behind them and climbing between her thighs. It was all he could do to restrain himself, but this was their one night. He wanted it to be special.

Erza though, seemed to have other plans. She pulled back with a low moan, her eyes blinking open as she bit her lip. "I want you."

She stepped back toward the bed, leaving Jellal balling his hands into fists as he fought to control himself. She turned, tossing him a heated glance over her shoulder as she undid the tie to her robe. Slowly, with Jellal fearing he was about to drool, she reached for the collar of her robe and eased it down over her arms. And then she let it drop.

She stood there motionless for a time, and Jellal needed that time if he was honest. It was his first time seeing her naked, and the sight was almost more than he could imagine. She was stunning, beautiful. Even with all the slight imperfections and scars from her years as a warrior, she was unbelievable to him.

He took a step in her direction. "God Erza..."

The words stilled in his throat as she turned around to face him. She was even more incredible from the front. His hungry eyes met her gaze for only an instant before he allowed them to drop down to her chest. Her breasts were full, rosy-tipped - quite easily more than his hands could hold. They were perfect, mouth-wateringly perfect.

Trailing down, he found her navel, slight and easily the cutest thing he'd ever seen. He found himself wanting to kiss her there, imagining her giggling at his attentions. But there was more for him below, and he let his eyes move on, anxious to behold her beauty in its entirety.

And then, he stopped, his mind coming to a total and complete blank.

He blinked once, then again, and still could not compute what it was his eyes were seeing.

He swallowed hard, his tongue suddenly feeling two sizes too large for his mouth, because there, at the cusp of her sex, at the top of her very bare lower lips sat a neatly trimmed, precisely arranged, red moustache.

Jellal felt like he was dreaming. He had to be because nothing else could possibly make sense. He was dreaming...the most fucked up dream ever known to man, clearly, but still, just dreaming. At least, he hoped he was.

He blinked again just to be sure, and then he gave up. "E-Erza...what...what is that?"

She looked down expectantly to where he was pointing and then smiled. "Oh! I almost forgot!" She laughed, pressing her hand to her mouth and shaking her head. "This is Gaston." She peered down once more. "Gaston, this is Jellal."

The blue-haired mage felt his mouth drop. Surely, she couldn't be serious. She'd given her privates a male name? And Gaston? Really?

Jellal shook his head at the inane thoughts running through his head. Why on Earthland had she named the damn thing anyway?

The question died in his mind when she reached for her crotch, and he froze in place, wondering if she was about to touch herself. He waited for her fingers to venture below, to slip between those glistening lips at her core, but then she stopped at the strange arrangement of hair. She brushed over it gently, then grabbed one end between her thumb and forefinger and twisted it into a curl.

"Much better," she said, smiling happily. "Isn't that better, Gaston?"

Jellal felt the air leave his lungs as she repeated the action on the other side until both ends were perfectly coiled into what could only be termed an old cowboy's style.

What the hell was going on with her? This couldn't be real! It just couldn't.

And then she looked up, catching him staring at her, and smiled. "Would you like to touch it?

He had no idea whether she meant her pussy or the...Gaston perched just above, but at this point, even if she had actually meant her snatch, which was entirely possible, he suddenly wasn't sure he still did. Now that he'd seen it, he was...a bit frightened. Or maybe not frightened, but definitely freaked out.

Yes, completely freaked out.

He'd seen a few women naked before - not a lot granted - but enough to know that what Erza was sporting downstairs was _not_ normal. Or anything close to normal. And maybe he could have handled the moustache. He'd have probably taken it as a joke or something. But the way she touched it, caressed it, cared for it...he was beginning to feel as if there was someone else here with them.

And that was crazy.

Right?

And yet, as he watched her peer down at the perfectly styled hair, he couldn't shake the feeling there was way more things wrong here than he was seeing.

"Oh Gaston, you're such a good boy," Erza suddenly said, grinning down as she continued to pet the hair topping her crotch. "Would Mama's good boy like a treat?"

Jellal blanched as she turned to him, a saucy grin on her face. Oh sweet heaven, he needed out of her...like yesterday.

The way she was looking at him...it left him feeling like a trapped animal - a lamb to the slaughter.

"Jellal," she cooed, lifting a finger to his bare chest and trailing it down to the top of his unbuttoned pants. "Gaston is a little hungry."

The blue-haired mage felt his stomach roll. Oh hell, the moustache wasn't Gaston. Her...her pussy was Gaston?! What the fuck?!

He shook his head, realizing he had bigger things to worry about - namely his own health and wellbeing. Because he had a terrible feeling he knew what she was going to say. And he prayed to all that was holy that he was wrong. Please please God, let him be wrong.

Erza moved in closer, sliding her hand down beneath the waistband of his pants. "I think he might want a little sausage."

She grinned wickedly, and if he hadn't just heard what she'd said, if he'd only ever seen this look on her face, he'd have been harder than a thousand-year-old Redwood tree. But he couldn't get past everything he'd seen or heard tonight. He was just...no.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

He couldn't do it.

There was no way in hell his dick was going anywhere near that...thing between her legs.

Just as Erza reached his cock - his cock that had gone decidedly soft in the last few minutes, like a soft serve ice cream cone in the middle of summer - he hopped back, a nervous laugh billowing up from his throat. "Oh, did you hear that?" he asked, lifting a hand to his ear. "My lacrima just went off. Probably Cobra, or...or Meredy, or...or anybody with a...yeah, it's probably an emergency."

He laughed again, stumbling back and falling to the floor, and as if providence had heard his call, he found his shirt just beside him. He reached out for it, blindly grabbing for it as he focused his attention back on the woman above him.

She moved as if to help him up, but he waved her off. "I'm good. I'm good. Just...gotta get that."

Erza blinked down at him in confusion. "But...you didn't even bring your lacrima-"

"Yeah, I'm sorry..." he muttered quickly, cutting her off. "I'm sure it's just a dark guild, a really bad dark guild. Probably trying to take over the world and all."

He clambered to his feet and stepped back toward the door, sliding into his shoes without really even noticing he was putting them on the wrong feet.

"But...no one called you," she said confused as she moved toward him.

"Yeah, I've gotta go, gotta save the world and all that." He raised a fist with a grin he knew was severely wilted as he backed right into the door and laughed again. "Good luck with all...that," he said with a wave in the direction of her crotch. "And I'll see you...I'll uh...yeah I'll see you. You know after I save...the world. Un-unless I die," he finished lamely.

"Unless you die?" Erza asked, stricken. "Maybe I should go with you."

Jellal instantly raised his hands, dropping his shirt in his haste to stop her. "No! No, no no...no reason to do that," he laughed. "It's just a teensy tiny dark guild."

"But you just said it was a really bad one."

"I-It is!" he corrected, biting his lip for a moment before adding, "A teensy tiny...really bad...one."

She stared at him for several long seconds, her eyebrow raised in question, and he knew it wouldn't be long before she demanded to know what was going on.

"I...really have to go."

With that, he spun around and fumbled for the door knob, praying he'd get out before she reached him. He could hear her coming up behind him, and with panic climbing up into his windpipe, he finally pushed the door open. He threw himself out with a silent cheer and started running down the hall, not even caring that he'd left his shirt on the floor of her room.

"Wait! Jellal! You didn't even kiss me goodbye!"

Jellal shuddered at the thought. Before tonight, he'd have jumped on her request in a heartbeat. He'd have kissed her senseless, then spent all night devouring her body. But now...after what she'd subjected him to...he wasn't sure he ever wanted to see another pussy again.

The thought pranced around in his head for several moments before another replaced it.

 _Well_ , he thought, _maybe not for a while._

He really did love pussy. It would be a shame to go without just because of this one bad experience.

 _Okay...maybe just not hers._

He grinned at that and nodded.

 _Yeah, just not hers._

There was plenty of pussy in the world.

And he'd never...ever have to see hers again.

* * *

 _You should know...this is all my Triplet Sisters' fault. I swear it's true. It all came from a Skype convo with them really REALLY late at night. We were all a little cuckoo by then, and you wouldn't believe the shit that was being tossed around. I still have nightmares..._

 _Just sayin'..._

 _Don't look at me that way. I'm not crazy. Okay, maybe I am, but you're the one that read it._


End file.
